Thranduil Practices a Speech
by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey
Summary: In this fabulous one-shot, the Elvenking practices what he's going to say to his arch-enemy, Thorin Oakenshield. But things keep going wrong.


**Thranduil Practices a Speech **

_by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey_

* * *

_I present to you my story. Beware! It has fabulousness seeping out of every crook and cranny. Do not continue reading if you are sensitive or allergic to fabulousness. Thank you for reading this. I apologize to my faithful readers who are reading my other stories. I haven't been keeping up with them very well lately. There are those moments in my life when Real Life comes up behind my and wallops me in the back of the head with a frying pan (in normal terms, every once in a while I awake to the startling and horrifying realization that I am a person with responsibilities and obligations). It's quite annoying, really. But I am recovering my lethargy very well, and soon I hope to sink once more into that blissful state of writing addiction from which I was so harshly pulled.  
To all you who are reading this and don't know me, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Sometimes I don't make sense. Anyhow, I hope this story doesn't scare you away from reading the rest of my works. :P I hope you enjoy it!  
~Lily Lindsey-Aubrey  
(look at that, you got an autographed copy)_

* * *

Thranduil Elvenking stood up from where he had reposed on his spiky elk-horn throne and gave his cloak a fabulous twitch. 'Legolas,' he called, trying to be loud and dignified at the same time.

'Yes, ada?' said that personage, walking in with a frown on his face. He didn't like being at his father's beck and call all day long; he had been planning a picnic with his warrior buddies. But what option was there for him? He could not rebel against the Elvenking's command. He forced himself to bow respectfully and tried to wipe the look of annoyance from his face.

'Legolas, I need a mirror,' said Thranduil, striking a fabulous pose. Being the one and only Elvenking, he thought it his duty to always look as perfect as possible.

'You could've sent Feren to do that,' Legolas grumbled under his breath. Thranduil's eyebrows shot up.

'I am your father and you will do as I say,' he snapped. Then he directed his attention back to his pose.

Legolas went out of the king's hearing and called for Feren. 'Go get a mirror,' he ordered shortly. Feren returned in record time with the requested object, and Legolas took it to his father.

'Now hold it for me,' said Thranduil, tilting his head from side to side to view himself at the best angle. 'I am going to practice my speech that I'm going to give when that fool of a Thorin Oakenshield shows up. Hold it absolutely still.'

'Yes, ada,' said Legolas, giving up on his attempts to keep from scowling.

'When he first arrives, I shall be sitting fabulously on my throne, like this,' said Thranduil, seating himself again. 'Then- Legolas, stop shaking the mirror!'

'I'm holding it as still as possible,' Legolas protested.

'This is terrible,' said Thranduil. 'This mirror is too small. I can only see my ear in it! Although my ear is incredibly wonderful, still, I should like to be able to view my whole fantastic figure.'

Legolas rolled his eyes. 'I could record it for you,' he said, pulling out his iPhone. 'But please hurry up!'

'What is your hurry?' Thranduil frowned. 'I grow suspicious! Is it a date with that Tauriel girl?'

'No, ada,' Legolas said quickly. 'I was going to-'

'The look in your eyes is one of guilt!' said Thranduil. 'You are grounded for a month. Now, commence the recording!'

Legolas groaned, but began to tape his father.

'As I was saying,' said Thranduil, 'I shall be sitting on my throne, and when he shows up I will turn my head fabulously, like so-' Thranduil stopped abruptly, and his eyes widened in horror. 'Legolas,' he gasped, trying to stay still, 'Legolas, my crown is caught in my throne! Quick! Disentangle it! Now! Or it will rub against my hair and I'll have to spend another hour brushing it!'

Legolas reluctantly tried to help, but he wasn't much use. After a painful episode which involved Legolas pulling Thranduil's hair and Thranduil cursing vociferously at Legolas, the Elvenking was finally ready to start over again.

'I shall have to be quite careful when I turn my head,' he said, smoothing the non-existent wrinkles out of his robe. 'Now, after I turn my head fabulously, I will start my glorious speech. Prepare to be amazed.'

Legolas looked dubious, but began to record again.

'_Some would imagine that a noble quest is at hand. A quest to reclaim a homeland and slay a dragon. I myself suspect a more- _aaaah!'

'What is it, ada?' asked Legolas, startled.

'A ssssspider!' gasped his father, pulling his feet up onto the throne and pointing a trembling finger. 'A spider has gotten in! Squash it, Legolas!'

'But ada, it's only a small- ow, it bit me!'

'I told you,' said Thranduil, straightening his clothes and giving a disdainful sniff. 'Kill it! Slice off its legs one by one! Put its eyes out! Destroy it!'

'Alright, alright,' said Legolas, bringing his foot down on the hapless creature.

'Now where was I?' said Thranduil, and readjusted himself. '_A more prosaic motive, _that was it. _A more prosaic motive: attempted burglary, or something of that ilk.' _

'Elk,' Legolas corrected absent-mindedly.

'What?' said Thranduil.

'Elk,' said Legolas. 'You meant to say elk.'

'I know what I meant to say, and I meant to say ilk!' said Thranduil, getting into Legolas' face. 'Now shut up and just listen!'

'Please don't pull the "dragon ate my babies" face on me, ada,' Legolas groaned, pulling a hand across his own impeccable features. 'I've seen your scars a billion times and they're so ug-'

'Fabulous, yes I know,' said Thranduil loudly. 'Now, as I was saying. _You have found a way in. You seek that which would bestow upon you the right to rule: the King's Jewel, the Arkenstone. It is precious to you beyond measure-' _

'My preciousssss!' screeched a voice.

'What in Eru's name was that?' said Thranduil, cowering.

'Galion, go see what that was,' Legolas yelled. 'Please just hurry, ada.'

'I will take as much time as I need!' said Thranduil. 'I think I will start over again. _Some-' _

'No, ada!' Legolas pleaded. 'Just start where you left off!'

'Fine,' said Thranduil, folding his arms. '_Precious beyond measure. I understand that. There are gems in the mountain that I, too, desire. White gems of pure starlight.' _

'I want some!' said Legolas, the glow of greed illuminating his eyes.

'I want ice cream cake,' said Thranduil dryly. 'To continue: _I offer you my help. _And here is where hopefully he'd say something like, _Yay! Wonderful! Who wouldn't want to be helped by the greatest Elvenking of all Arda?_'

'Um, I don't think it's going to go down that way,' said Legolas dubiously. 'What if he disagrees and does not accept your offer?'

'Well, then,' said Thranduil, smiling excitedly, 'I will unleash the full fury of Thranduil Elvenking! You be Thorin, and I'll be me. Stand exactly where you are, and don't move. Now: _I have faced the great serpents of the nooooorth!' _

'Oh, please, not the scar face,' groaned Legolas. 'It's so dumb-'

'Fabulous, fabulous, yes!' said Thranduil loudly. 'Now shut up! After that I would go into a long speech about how stupid all Thorin's dead relatives are, and I would say: _I warned your grandfather of what his greed would summon, but he would not- _aaaiiiiiiiiii!' Thranduil jerked forward convulsively and collapsed at Legolas' feet.

'What now?' said Legolas.

'I poked my back on my fabulous spiky elk horns on my fabulous spiky throne,' Thranduil whimpered.

'You know they make rubber guard things for pointy objects like that so that toddlers don't injure themselves,' said Legolas absent-mindedly.

'What did you say?' Thranduil seethed.

'Nothing. Shall we continue?'

'I think that is enough for toda- ouch!' Thranduil had tripped on his robe and fallen down seven steps. 'Curse these fabulous kingly robes!' he sputtered.

Legolas was already halfway to the wine cellars, where soon he and Galion would be laughing over the video he had taken of the Elvenking.

Thranduil retired to his bedchamber that night unsatisfied with how his practice had gone. What if something happened while he was making his speech to the majestic Thorin Oakenshield? He would never live it down! Could he combat Thorin's majesty with his fabulousness? Was he fabulous enough?

Haunted by these insecurities, he fell into a fitful sleep, and began to dream.

'I have faced the great serpents of the noooooorth!' he was yelling at Thorin's face, then he backed away quickly, still sneering at the would-be king. Suddenly his eyes grew wide. He flailed his arms and tried to get his footing again, but it was too late! With a fabulous screech he went toppling off of the platform and hurtled towards the stone pavement below. Above him he could see Thorin peering over the edge and giving a biting, majestic chuckle.

Thranduil awoke with a fabulous start. 'LEGOLAS,' he roared, rushing out of his room and pulling on his robe as he went, 'I MUST HAVE GUARDRAILS BUILT IN MY THRONE ROOM!'

* * *

_There you have the tale of the hapless Elvenking's attempts at practicing a speech. I hope you liked it. :) Please review. Reviews are what keep me writing, to be brutally honest, and without them I'd still be floating around in that awful Real Life, dealing with horrible things like School Assignments, Business Engagements, and worst of all: Social Interactions.  
Your Humble Servant and Amazingly Talented Authoress,  
Lily Lindsey-Aubrey  
(well look at that, you got a double-autographed copy)  
(Lily's other side of her brain apologizes for the randomness of these author's notes. She happens to be very tired at the moment)_


End file.
